My mind has been playing the wholehearted theme over and over again to me, since I wrote this post on my friend's blog a week ago. Wholehearted involvement, pressing into Jesus with my whole heart, not holding anything back, not letting anything get between.
And then, while lying in my bed waiting for sleep to come, pondering the status of my current relationship with Jesus and listening to my sisters make plans for the weekend in the kitchen I was hit with tears. I wish they were tears of joy, or tears of awe, but, honestly, I started crying for what I was missing. For where I had been a year ago, totally on fire for Jesus, seeing His hand in every detail, riding on top of the world. For all the family events that I couldn't participate in. For being not a part of my little sisters' lives as they were growing up incredibly fast.
My sister came in about that time, and of course, challenged me. "You can't look back. Life is going to have ups and downs, I guarantee. But you never go back. You have to keep pressing forward. And sometimes its being in the valleys that allows you to see Him the best. God has you at your job for a reason. You're doing a different work there, encouraging your co-workers, witnessing to that lady, being a bright light to your customers. Just because it's not where you were doesn't mean it's not where you're supposed to be."
(Okay, those weren't her exact words, but that's the basic idea).
This morning while driving to work a phrase from Luke 9 randomly popped into my head, and since pulling out my bible to look it up while cruising down the freeway didn't seem prudent, I looked it up when I got to work.
The whole passage was reinforcing my conviction that the Lord wants me to pursue Him with my whole heart. And not look back.
As they were walking along the road, a man said to Him, "I will follow you wherever you go."
Jesus replied, "Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head."
He said to another man, "Follow me."
But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."
And Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."
Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family."
Jesus replied, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."
Holding nothing back.