Mixed emotions...

"Wisdom"

"Compassion"

"Love"

"Gratefulness"

These were the answers to the question, "If you could increase/excel in any one thing, what would it be?" We were all sitting on the balcony soaking in evening breeze, discussing all sorts of things from "the scariest moment of your life" stories to "who's the best driver in your family?" All the stories had been heard before, and we knew all the answers to every question, but conversation is easier than silence.

The little girls were hyper after the chocolate milk and their giggles filled the pauses, along with the sound of crickets, frogs and sirens. Summer evenings have some kind of effect on me. Its the, "I don't want this moment to end" effect.

The moment does end, though. You can't stop the clock. Time marches on, and then you have to say goodbye, and I really don't like goodbye's.

Part of gratefulness is thanking God for the things we don't like, as in, saying goodbyes. I'm grateful that saying goodbye is sad. I'm grateful that I have people that I care about enough that I would miss them. I'm glad that I'm sad to say goodbye.

People are like Elephants...

It's hard to change who you are, and even harder to leave who you've been behind. The ugly face of ones past attitudes and actions tends to pop up unexpectedly to drag one back down with it. Or, not so unexpectedly, as people are like elephants, and tend to remember things longer than we'd like.

Family, as much as we love them, are the best at this. They've seen you at your worst, and know your full potential for evil. A bad reputation is the fastest thing one can earn, and along the way they must hurt or disappoint a lot of people. (In my case, mostly family members). Trust, on the other hand is the hardest thing I know of to build. It takes a lifetime and patience isn't my strong suit.

Maybe I'm not grieving over my sin enough? When I'm convicted, I take my shame to Jesus and He buries it. He casts it as far as the east is from the west! And then we get in the van to go to church, and somehow my little sister finds it and brings it up. Accusations fly, things heat up, defenses and walls are built and before you know it, I have more shame to carry to the cross. It's vicious. My siblings must be world travelers to find these things that Jesus has taken so far away!

Am I damaging my relationships with my siblings by believing that I'm free from my sin? Does it hurt them more? I could walk around with my head hung low in shame all day, but wouldn't that be a dis on God's forgiveness and cleansing power?

It's by grace I've been saved, not of myself. Not of works. If I walk around with my head held in shame, what does that say about God? I've been created for the praise of the glory of His grace. (Eph 1:6) The only way I can see of praising His grace is to believe it, and act in kind.

I don't know. Well, I do know, but I don' t know what to do, or how to heal the breach between me and (fill-in-the-blank). I love them and want to be loved and trusted by them, but my relationship with Jesus comes first and foremost.

"A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favor rather than silver and gold." - Proverbs 22:1

I just wish I had realized the value of a good reputation before I built my bad one.

It's raining!

"I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of His righteousness." Isaiah 61:10

Some days I have so much going on in my mind that I can't decide what to write about. There's so many lessons I'm learning, so many beautiful things to tell, so many stories, and even more lessons. Always there's lessons... This is one of those mornings.

What I love about God is that, when all else fails, I can bask in His goodness, lean on His arms, be still and know that He is God and just rest in that. Seeing the vast greatness of my God shrinks the cares of this world into a minuscule cube: which can be picked up and thrown as far away as the east is from the west.

Perspective changes things. We were sitting on the beach yesterday, taking a nap, soaking up the warmth after a freezing cold skin dive. The eight of us had swum out to the reef and spent 20ish minutes alternating between diving and waiting at the surface, as we didn't have enough masks and fins to go around. I'd already seen it all on scuba, but I enjoyed it just as much as those who'd never looked at a reef up close before.

So we laid on the beach, marveling at our great Creator, resting in the glorious paradise on earth that He had made. The lady next to us was in the exact same environment, sans the paradise. She was completely stressed out and worried.. Same warm sun, same beautiful view, same salt air and sea breeze, but her perspective changed everything for her.

If a difference in attitude can put one in or out of paradise while sitting on the beach, I wonder if it'll work the same for me at home on a rainy day?

False Humility?

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. "

I think I'm my biggest critic.. (I know, I know.. to those of you who've been around me the past few days, that may come as a shock, with how egotistical I've been acting.) But seriously, I am truly hard on myself.

I've been wondering lately if the attitude of self-deprecation isn't actually a form of humility after all. And I've been wondering if it's dishonoring to God. He fashioned me before the foundations of the world. He designed every part of me before I ever began. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, and I'm made in His image.

I've always had a hard time relating to David in the Psalms when he would go off about how he was righteous and his enemies are wicked, but after thinking about it with a new perspective, David knew that his righteousness was given to him by God, and to ignore that fact would be ignoring His wonderful works.

Humility isn't self-deprecation. Humility is recognizing that all I am and all I've been given is from God, and I've done nothing to deserve any of it.

I really want to praise my Maker today, and recognize His wonderful works. The more He gives me grace to see Him, the more humbled I am. And God gives grace to the humble. It's an awesome cycle.

Sand, sun, surf and self-reliance.

The sun was shining when we got to the beach. I hopped out of the 4runner with my two younger brothers, more than ready to wash off the stress of the morning with a good surf session. Last time I surfed, the whole session was a bust. Wrong board, wrong waves, wrong place at the wrong time.. I couldn't quite get the hang of any timing...but today would be different. I could feel it.

Wetsuit on, board waxed, friend in tow, I followed my brother down to the water. "Yes!! Small clean lines, inconsistent. Dry hair paddle out!" These were my favorite kind of waves. Big enough to ride, but small enough that I wouldn't be getting a pounding today. There were about 80 surfers already in the line up, but once its that crowded, nobody cares anymore.

Water temp is high 70's and I'm starting to second guess the wetsuit decision by the time we paddle out. I shove my friend into her first wave, retrieve my board and paddle farther out to get one of my own.

"This is it! Yes! Its mine! I've got it! I'm up! It's clean, it's beautiful, it's a right! It's...my younger brother!? And he's not getting out of my way." He grabbed my board right before it went over him, and I pitched headlong into the water.. So much for dry hair. I stayed down as long as I could, knowing what came next, but eventually everyone has to breathe, so I came up and quietly received the tongue lashing I knew I deserved.

Dad saw the whole thing, and told my brother he should've paddled behind me, which made me feel a tiny bit better, but that was the last wave I caught. Period. By then, Dad was set up on a sand bar, shoving my friend into wave after wave. He kept asking me if I wanted help, and I'd shake my head as I'd paddle back out to try again. Or he'd quietly ask me if I'd gotten any yet, and again, I'd shake my head... My brothers were catching more waves than they could count, and I couldn't get a single one. Sometimes it would be because someone else had priority, other times because I just couldn't get into the wave.

After about forty-five minutes, as I paddled past my dad again, shaking my head again, he grabbed my board, told me to turn around and get ready. He shoved me into a beautiful left that was all my own. I rode it all the way, even cross-stepping to stay in the wave. I was beyond stoked! I paddled back out double-time for a second, and Dad obliged. After 4 waves, he said he was going in to get his own board, and I said that was fine, I was just gonna catch one more and then I'd be going in.

Nothing doing. That was the story of my entire day. It seemed like every single thing I tried to do on my own, with my own strength or power was a bust. I got a lot accomplished, and made some personal breakthroughs in my running, surfing and even in my volleyball, but they were only because I was depending on other people to help me. I couldn't rely on myself for anything. The concept didn't dawn on me until after dinner that maybe God was trying to teach me something. Once I realized that, it kinda put my whole day into perspective, and wiped away the frustration of it all.

I wonder what God is going to teach me today? I really hope it doesn't take me until after dinner to figure it out.

Out of the abundance of the heart....

Its easy for me to say that the one focal point in my life - my main goal, dream and desire, what I want more than anything: is to honor and glorify the Lord in everything I do, and to serve Him in any way possible. Now that I'm thinking about it, I want to add "Return His love for me" in there too, not only because its the greatest commandment, but also because He loves me so much! I'm blown away by His love for me, when I think about it.

Here's the problem. It's the "when I think about it" part that bugs me. Why am I not thinking about it 24-7? Its not that I don't want to be! I truly love Jesus. He's my King, my Savior, my Hero, my Lover and my Friend. But I'm such a selfish individual (not to be self depreciating or anything, just to say it like it is) that my thoughts somehow always turn to thoughts of me. Things that I like, things that affect me. What people say about me or to me. Things that I need to do. What I think about things, things that I've already done, and things I don't like. Its sick. I'm obsessed with myself. <--- which is one of my problems, but that's getting ahead of myself -

ANYWAYS. Here's the deal. While talking to a good friend a while back he was sharing about a book they were going through in bible study about fellowship, and it really impressed him (and me) when it said that fellowship isn't a group of Christians getting together. It really isn't. Necessarily. Well, its always fellowship. (fellows in the same ship) but Pizza Night, when we all come together and eat pizza, play volleyball, gossip and tell funny stories - That's fellowship of pizza, fellowship of volleyball, gossip and stories. Its not fellowship of the Gospel. Just the fact that everyone's a Christian doesn't make it the kind of fellowship the NT tells us to have.

So what? Do we need to set aside a bible study time at every event? Or pray together every time we play basketball? How am I supposed to have the fellowship of the gospel without it being forced and without turning people away. (I'm sure if I gathered everyone together before we started our game for a word of prayer, no one would walk away, cause they all profess to be Christians, right? But still, it wouldn't be genuine. It would become one more ritual)

Jesus said "Out of the abundance of his heart, his mouth speaks" and that's just it. If my heart is filled with Him, the gospel is going to come out in my conversations. If my heart is filled with movies, TV shows, gossip, sports, cars, cares of this world, worry for the future... that's what my fellowship will be about.

Everything always boils down to where my heart is, every time. But the substance of my fellowship is a really good check engine light for me to see what's going on inside me. Where's your fellowship?

Do you hear that?

The steady stream of traffic up and down the street, the music of the birds joyfully welcoming the sun, an airplane overhead, somebody's chickens and one rooster waking up, my sister moving through the house on her way to work, and the steady clicking of my keyboard. This is the symphony of my morning.

Every morning has a symphony, no matter where you go. Camping at the beach there's the steady sound of waves washing onto the sand, in the country there's thousands more animal sounds to wake us up. Mountains conceal streams and waterfalls which add to the singing of the birds, and at Crater Lake, 7000 feet above sea level, the song of the morning was silence and the clicking of a camera.

If you take time to listen, all of creation is pointing to God, praising Him, worshiping Him.

"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music... Let the sea resound, and everything in it, the world and all who live in it. Let the rivers clap their hands, let the mountains sing together for joy."

Seek the Lord today. Try and find Him in a places you wouldn't normally think of. Instead of in a church or a sermon, look for Him in smile from a stranger, a random act of kindness or a cheerful heart. Hebrews 11:6 promises that He rewards those who diligently seek Him. So do it. And let me know what you find!