Some things are more important...

Working full time and attending a week-long seminar hasn't allowed for a lot of extra time, especially when that said seminar is encouraging me to establish godly disciplines in my life such as rising early, daily bible reading and those sorts of things.  Getting enough sleep is already hard for me, (even though I make it a huge priority) so when I was in bed by 10:30 last night, there was a smile on my face.

I was fading into the blissful land of sleep very quickly when I heard faint whispering coming from the bunk below me.

"Girls are you both in the same bed?"

There was a pause and then a quiet, "yeah."

"Get back in your bed, and go to sleep."

"We'll stop whispering, I promise!" the youngest interceded.

"She makes me sleep in her bed every night because she's afraid of having nightmares!" the older one announced.  "I never get to sleep in my own bed."  And then to her little sister, "You'll be fine, 'cause we didn't watch any movies tonight."

Twenty minutes later our older sister came in to hear the tail end of the discussion.

"I really think God wants us to obey Him just because we love Him, not even expecting or thinking about the blessings that come from obedience."  (This was from the 12 year old.)

"What are you guys talking about?"  the older sister asked.

"Oh, theology, philosophy and doctrine.  You know... all that stuff."

Twenty more minutes of sleep versus twenty more minutes of deep discussions fueled by my baby sisters?

Somethings are more important.  Yeah, even more important than sleep.

Discerning a difference.

We girls gathered around my sisters kitchen with the windows open and the sunlight streaming in.  The kids ran in and out, giggling, laughing and just enjoying the day.  The coffee pot and tea kettle were full and the creamy chocolate mousse pie half gone.

We chatted and laughed.  Told stories and debated favorite authors.  Caught up with our sisters and friends.  Eight grown girls and nine munchkins in a 400 square foot house, but being as we all liked each other nobody noticed.

Somewhere between jiggling my niece on my knee to make her laugh and cleaning the kitchen afterwards our friend made a comment that has stuck with me ever since.   I don't even remember the context, but what she said was, "Condemnation is from Satan, but conviction comes from the Holy Spirit."

I wasn't sure about that at first, which is probably why I even remember the comment, but since then my reticular activating system has been tuned to notice a spirit of defeat that Satan has been wielding unchecked in my life.

Conviction tells me that I've done wrong.  Condemnation tells me that I can't do right.

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus."  Romans 8:1 NLT
Take that, Satan.

It made me think.

The comment was an innocent one, meaningless and silly and totally fitting with the flow of conversation around the dinner table.  We were discussing match-making and set-ups when my younger sister turned to me and declared, "My friend and I decided that the reason we pressure you to get married more than our older sister is that you're useless to us."

Even typed out is looks harsher than it sounded or was meant, but it stuck with me.  Maybe because it fit with what the Lord has been showing me, and maybe because it held more truth than my sister imagined when she announced it.

My older sister called me out a week or so ago, in the nicest way possible.  She shared a sliver of what she'd been dealing with and told me, "Merrie, may you never have to bear a burden alone or be without a shoulder to cry on.

My heart wrenched in two at that moment.   My sister had been carrying a burden too heavy, and I wasn't there to help.  I knew I'd brushed her off more than once, not having the time or the energy to get involved.

For the past eight months my life has been all about me.  "You girls need to be quiet because I have to go to sleep, because I have to get up early so that I can go to work to bring home my paycheck."

(Okay, who am I kidding?  My life has been all about me for the past 22 years)

My one job in life, my calling, is to love.  With all my heart, mind, soul and strength.  To love the Lord, and to love these people He created.  To treat the least of these as if they were Jesus Christ in the flesh, because in reality - they are.

Instead I've become so self-serving and focused on my own interests that I've lost sight of Him.

No more.  I want to be like Aaron, lifting up his brother's arms through the thick of the battle to ensure his brother's success.

The shape of our lives

Yesterday the oldest sister and the littlest sister switched places.  Just for the day.  Our baby sister (who isn't really a baby anymore at eight years old) with her sparkling eyes, bouncy curls and sunny personality had been overheard telling people she "hated being the youngest of 14 kids"

When questioned why she would hate it, she always replied, "Cause everybody bosses me, and I don't get to boss anybody!"

EDIT: (We thought this dynamic might change when we got chickens, because at least she got to boss them, but when the chickens started dying, well....)

So for that reason, the youngest and the oldest traded jobs.  With (much) assistance, the youngest was sent to the office to do the payroll for the family business, was assigned to plan the menu, arrange the household chores and prepare the dinner.   We all thought it would be appropriate to balk and complain when asked to help, but the giggles and grins were hard to hide.

By the end of the day the littlest was frustrated and overtired.  I asked her what she thought about being the youngest of 14 now, and she hesitated before telling me that she thought it was okay.

"Then why are you crying?"

"Nobody knows who I am now!" she wailed, burying her head in my shoulder.

"Of course we know who you are!  You wanna know why you're frustrated?"

The curls bobbed up and down, indicating an affirmative answer.

"Well, you know that toy that our little nephew has with the different shaped holes, and the blocks that fit in it?"

She recognized the toy, even though my description was lacking.

"Do you ever notice how hard he tries to fit the wrong blocks into the holes, and how frustrated it makes him?  God made you the shape of who you are for a reason, and trying to fit your shape into another shaped hole is only going to make you frustrated!"

I'm not sure if she got the analogy, but I sure did.  I try so hard to be someone I'm not.  Today I'm going to be thankful for who I am.  Life works better that way.

July 13th, 7:30 am

Kaylee Jo just wandered in, her long braided hair all a mess, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. Its early still, especially for Kaylee. She's the princess of the family, and sleeps as late as we'll let her.

Little sisters grow up so fast. She was my "charge" as a toddler. I taught her how to read, potty trained her, instructed her on how to sit quiet in church and even disciplined her. I was twelve years old when she was born.

In a lot of ways, Kaylee challenges me. (Yeah, she challenges my authority in every way she can come up with, but that wasn't what I was getting at.) =) She watches me and emulates my behavior. When I'm diligent, she's diligent. When I do a Pilates routine in the living room, she comes along side and does it with me. She's developed a taste for coffee, and always wants mine. I brought a book to the beach with me, and the next week she brought two. Although she's not my "charge" anymore, I continue to teach her without realizing it, and in a lot of ways, she teaches me. I see myself in her a lot, but its not "me" so much as it's her imitating me.

Right now, she's sitting on the couch across from me with a mug of chai tea (coffee was her first choice, but we didn't have any.) and she's having a quiet time.

There's so many things I wish I could teach my sister about life, about love, about Jesus. But in this moment I've realized that the only way I'll teach her anything is by living it myself. A heavy responsibility lies on my shoulders, being an adult living at home. I hope and pray that I'll be a sister and daughter who brings honor to my parents and a godly example to my siblings.

"And if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a large millstone tied around his neck."